This is for you if you're the constantly cheerful face with the
journal tucked under your bed that says otherwise. This is for you if
you've always been the straight-A student, the people-pleaser, the
perfectionist, the successful one who is afraid to admit you're unhappy
or that you don't have it all figured out. Because being unhappy and not
knowing the answers is the opposite of success, right? This is for you
if you ever feel alone in the world you've created to be so wonderful. This is for you if you work too hard and give too much and can't seem to find time to give back to yourself.
So this is me. My real coming out story. I've figured this much out so far.
I graduated from IIN as a certified Health Coach in 2010 and began
teaching people how to eat to feel energized, alive and light so they
could make the most out of every day. I was working really hard to get
my dream career off the ground and it was super exciting!
I was a health nut - eating my greens every day, all my whole grains,
shopping at farmers' markets, and cooking up delicious meals. I was
eating great, my sugar cravings were more under control and I was
showing other people my tricks. Success!
...On the surface. The reality wasn't as peachy...
I was working too hard and giving too much without taking any time to care for myself. I was STRESSED.
My shoulders and neck were one giant knot. I couldn't sleep well
because my mind was bouncing around and I could never seem to get
comfortable. I caught four or five colds this past winter, and it's rare
for me to get sick more than once a year.
But I told myself I was now this Health Goddess Guru Expert Coach
Superwoman. I had to keep my happy, healthy face on! I've always prided
myself and been praised for keeping my cool, my upbeat positive
attitude. So, as usual, I kept smiling, I kept showing up even when I
should have stayed home.
It was during that time that I found myself hiding out in the pantry almost every night.

Lights off. Eating all of the cereal, the raisins, the granola, the
dark chocolate, the peanut butter, the whole grain bread... every morsel
of sugar and all of the healthy options I was stocking for myself and
beyond. And when I'd eaten all of that, I'd raid the fridge, I'd steal
my housemate's food. If I heard someone coming, I'd pretend I was just
walking through. I couldn't bare to been found out, even by my partner,
Evan. Anything with sugar was like crack, it was comforting, it was
sweeeet.
Using food to deal with my feelings wasn't new to me. In fact, I have
a history of bottled-away depression, low self-esteem, distorted body
image and binging since middle school. Consoling myself with comfort
foods was just what I did when I was feeling anxious, disappointed,
lonely, frustrated...
But now I was a Health Goddess Guru Expert Coach Superwoman, wasn't I?
I was supposed to have overcome all of that stuff! I kept asking
myself why and how I could be failing like this. I knew why I was
eating. I knew I was stuffed. But I couldn't stop. And I couldn't stop
the barrage of guilt and shame and frustration. I felt so defeated, I
just ate on. I put on weight, I was bloated and uncomfortable most of
the time.
Mostly, I was devastated that I could not control - or help - myself.
I was completely consumed in this loop: Wake up promising myself that
today would be different. Today I was done with sugar and binging! I'd
eat healthy all day and feel good. At night everything would shift:
other people would bring food over, maybe I'd have a drink, dessert
would appear, the late-night munchies would strike... and I'd be worse
off than where I started, making promises about tomorrow.
I finally reached out for help. I told Evan. I went to see a coach. I
cried a lot. And I slowly got better. Still, I didn't really tell
anyone because I didn't want anyone to know I was struggling. I didn't
want to be seen as flawed. I didn't want to be a burden that someone had
to take care of.
And then a man came for a consultation with me about emotional eating
and binging - and I couldn't have been more anxious. We agreed
to work together. I knew I had the tools to help him, just not yet the
confidence. I felt like I still didn't have it all together and worked
out for myself. But the decision to commit to what we both wanted turned
out to dramatically change both of our lives. (Joaquin will be sharing
his own story soon!)

My mentors, Carey Peters and Stacey Morgenstern, always say
your greatest challenge is your greatest gift.
It's been staring me down for most of my life. It's been about learning
how to trust, love and honor myself and my body, my temple. How to take
care of myself so that I can have the energy to really show up for my
life and for others in the capacity I want to.
Now, it's about coming out of the pantry and telling my story. I know
I'm not the only one to put on the cheerful, brave happy face every day
while another dark, shamed and guilty part lurks underneath or comes
out at night.
It is time to live an opened and authentic life. I'm not perfect and that's perfect. Welcome to my real, beautiful world.